Dance Dance Dance

Nights like tonight are always a little bitter-sweet in many ways.  Sal is going to her very last Jr High dance tonight AND...... she wore. a. skirt!  :-)   It was all her idea.  So were the orange nails and red toenails.  ;-)   But back to what I was saying:  I'm happy and I'm sad.  I'm proud and I'm jealous.  I can't believe how far she's come and I hate how long we have to go.

The ugly feelings started bubbling up as I painted her nails.  Probably to most mothers this is a fun thing - maybe even something you can go and get done together.  With Sal it's a chore.  She squirms and laughs and makes the most unattractive screechy voice and at times you want to slap her - but then she's SO appreciative of it too.  I swear - if you weren't a little crazy before your special needs kid - you will be after - just from the sheer craziness of the emotions. 

She came home with notes from teachers today.  Good-byes and We'll Miss Yous AND Thank yous to us for *letting* them teach Sal.  That always gets me.  The tears always start as again I'm reminded that there are SO many people who SO appreciate her and they're not even related! 

So we wait for Cinderella to return from the ball.  I can't wait to hear the stories. 

Goofy, Loveable Auntie Jill

Aunt Jill came up this last weekend.  She comes up for each kids' birthday.  She stayed a little longer so she could see Sal's soccer game.  We had a BALL.  It was a BEAUTIFUL day and we sat under a tree and had a perfect view of the Brick.  :-)   My sister was amazed at how Sal stands while the others play around her.  She is so funny.  Sal loved that Aunt Jill was there and that we all got to see her "play".

The girls all went to Goodwill and Meijer over the weekend.  Sal got a TON of stuff at Goodwill.  She had a card that got her 10% off.  She must have got it when she was with Bill one time - I had no idea about it until she pulled it out and handed it to the cashier.  ;-)  

We then went home and watched Preakness.  No Calvin this year - which made us sad but we were glad to see I'll Have Another win #2 of the triple crown. 

Jack had a wonderful birth-WEEK.  Presents came on Monday, Tues, Thurs, and Saturday.  ;-)   He got a lot of Legos and has not stopped building stuff since they rolled in.  I like that he'd rather build than play video games. 

Strange happenings in the "family":  Sister-in-law "un" - friended me AND Bill on Facebook.  Kind of strange and out of left field being as how we haven't seen them in over a year.  Also the middle child un-friended me only - BUT had no problem cashing my check for birthday and graduation.  :-)   When I look at stuff like that I can't help but laugh.  I have this happen and then go see JBSRA play and I thank GOD that he's given me a gift like Sal and her friends.  Aunt Jill and I talked a lot about how we take for granted just what is important in life.  Her and I are a little more in tune since we DEAL with our Special Needs loved ones.  I find it interesting that she's glad she doesn't have my trials and I'm glad I don't have hers.  Isn't there a saying about if we all put our problems in a big bag we'd all pull our own out.  Something like that. 

It always amazes me that my sister is so adamant about being glad she never had to do what I do with Sal - BUT - she's SO good with Sal.  Seriously, she treats Sal like any other kid - but yet also knows her limits too.  Sal just adores her.  Her first question when Aunt Jill was to go home that day was:  Is Aunt Jill here?  And second was:  Did she take her cookies?  :-)  

Sal knows what's important in life. 1. Good People 2. Cookies   :-)

Oh, School, School, School

Listening to my usual commie (is that how you spell it?)  radio talk show- a teacher called in and gave her opinion that the school system started going downhill in the 80s when parents were told they HAD to start being advocates for their children and to be a part of the school system.  As everything in this country we take something good and reasonable and go ALL THE WAY over to the other side. 

My life being strange as it is - I got a call from Jr High - where Jack will go next year - about Honors.  Jack's 5th grade teacher thinks he should be in Honors next year or he will goof off and cause problems.  Here's the deal, though:  his test scores that they use to place children were all OVER the place!  So, as I talk to the teacher in charge of placing him, I'm thinking SHE knows BEST.  *I* have NEVER placed someone.  *I* have never seen how children with these types of scores do in these types of classes - let alone *I* have never even read statistics in this. 

Soooo, long story short - Jack is in Honors in Science and everything else is "regular" - and intervention in L. Arts!   CRAZY boy!  I have so much concern for Jack.  I don't want to overwhelm him but I also don't want him cutting up and making every one's (including me - the important one) ;-)  life hell.  I explained to the teacher that I don't care about the "identification" of Honors - that I want to HELP make good decisions about his schooling and that I'm looking to her - a LOT to share with me her perspective.  (I do think I heard her body thump on the floor as she fainted)  ;-)  

Ask me about the Jack at home - I'll tell you - he's picky - he most definitely doesn't like to try new foods, hates the thought of vegetables in contact with his person.  He takes a bath or shower every morning - mostly to warm his little scrawny body up.  He LOVEs wrestling and Ghost Adventures.  He doesn't care to read a lot - but will gladly cuddle up to you as you read (after badgering him into doing it).  He still calls me Momma.  He cries whenever we talk about heavy subjects.   He LOVEs to argue with his sister.

Now, about Jack at school.  Well, I don't know a lot - except what I'm told.  And truthfully he's kind of different.  THEY ALL ARE!  Sooooooo - how am I to "know what's best for him" and fight till the death for something I know nothing about.  Wouldn't that be like taking him to the Doctor and arguing that no, he does not have strep throat - *I* know what he has.   But in the parent world you're made to feel guilty if you don't go in with guns blazing and get exactly what *you* think you should for your kid.  So, I ask - does that follow through life?  Do I follow him on job interviews and fight for the job *I* think he should have?  If a Cop pulls him over - do I go to court and fight for how fast *I* think he was going?  Do I interview his dates for the one *I* think would be best for him?  (I think Sal may be thinking that will be her job)  ;-)  

Don't get me wrong.  There are teachers out there who may be of no good - but they are SO very few, and even the ones I really didn't care for never gave me the impression that they were TRYING to hurt my child.  In fact, it was ME who had the problem - my children LOVED them and flourished with them.  I think parents need to be involved and working WITH the school - but also be able to STEP ASIDE and let them WORK.   

Dang, it's been a while since I've been fired up.  :-)  So, I'll get down off the soap box now.  Your turn.  ;-)

Jinx!

Oh, how I hate to even say this out loud, for fear I will jinx it - BUT - it appears we are on the tail end of Sal's "side effect of birth control pill" period.  It's now day 14!  I've called the Dr twice.  He assured me this is a side effect sometimes in the first couple of months that the pill is taken.  I tell ya - it's been rough here. 

She's had the worst days at school lately too.  I can't believe it's not a co-incidence.  I just pray that this is the last of things I have to deal with where I will have no idea of what's going on inside her body.  (yeah, fat chance, huh?)  ;-)

So, we started Soccer last night.  First time - first practice.  I think she was a little surprised that she's gonna have to run all game.  Someone suggested to me that if she's the goalie she wouldn't have to run.  That "Friends" episode flashed though my head with the game show questions by Ross:  "When Monica was a goalie in school what was her nick name?"   "Big Fat Goalie".   :-)   Oh, I joke.

It dawned on me this morning that Sal's schedule is now daily.  Mondays=Swim Team, Tuesdays=Boccie Ball, Wednesdays=Soccer, Thursdays=Bowling and of course Social Club on some Saturdays.  :-)  She is a happy girl when she's involved.

Last night she was greeted by Aaron (from basketball) and he was excited that he would see Sal on Tuesdays (Boccie ball) and on Wednesdays now.  :-)  He's such a nice "kid". ( I have a feeling he's really in his late 20s or early 30s.) 

Jack, on the other hand, has decided I'm his personal assistant.  His class takes a walk through the neighborhood after their ISAT tests in the morning and usually walk by here.  (Mabel LOVES it - howls the whole time she can see them) Anyway, he asked me last night if I would make cookies and have them ready when the class walked by and then stand out at the sidewalk and give them out as they walked by.  Oh, the boy is really delusional.  :-)  Needless to say, I will NOT be making cookies - yes, I am the worst Mom in the world!  ;-)
 

You Ma'am, are a LIAR!

Yep - I am.   We had a swim meet scheduled for Saturday and I had to lie to Sal and tell her it was cancelled.  :-/  We're having some side effects from her birth control pill - as in a period.  :-/   It's pretty heavy and there's no way for her to swim with it and well, I'm a great Mom but I draw the line at inserting a tampon. 

    The real kicker is that the meet was the one that determines who will go to State in the summer. Plus I was sick (again) this weekend.  I don't know what it is but sickness seems to really hold on to me lately.  So let's just say my faith in God being so *good* "all the time", is about to the limit right now. 

I know things could be a lot worse and if that's the worst thing that happens - well, our life is pretty good.  But it just ticks me off.  Like one more check mark on the "Things Suck" list.  :-)  

She did well with the news - the only thing is I didn't really think it through.  The other kids on the team will prob be talking about it at practice.   I should have said she couldn't go because *I* didn't get her physical in on time.  (she knows you have to have a physical and paper signed by Dr each year).  I have to admit that I lie very horribly.  (even though my Mom would prob disagree about that one). 

She went with us to Jack's game.  ..... Jack - Jack has really stepped up lately.  Like I said - I've got some kind of malaria-flu-cold thing going and on Thursday night I went to bed early.  Bill had a meeting at Jack's school about a field trip they're going on together and before he left he put Jack in charge. 

I emerged from my room around 8pm and told Jack I was going to take a bath.  "Ok, Mom - Dad said *I'm* in charge".  :-)   But that stinker really did a GREAT job.  He put all the dinner left overs away and cleaned up the table.  He READ with Sal and I only heard raised voices once AND he got her water and stuff and put her to bed!  I was really impressed and told him so.  It's funny how he always wants attention but when you really give it to him he sluffs it off.  ;-) 

So I'm a little better - I can at least blow the crap out of my nose and sit a couple of hours without coughing so Sal and I are going to attempt the grocery store.  She really enjoys that so her weekend wasn't a total bust. 

She's really good at knowing that we need fig newtons and granola bars and craisens and even coffee.

So Here's the Latest

Something that has always been a problem has really come to a head lately:  Sal is the WORST at telling you how she feels.  #1 - she has my Mother's "I will myself well" thing.  "I'm not sick,(cough, cough, spit, cough)  #2 - she hates to miss ANYTHING .  #3 I swear she thinks being sick is a punishment.    Up till now, this hasn't bee TOO much of an issue.  Honestly, she does come from pretty healthy (and let's face it - hearty) stock so a cold doesn't really bring her to her knees and other sickness usually has some outward signs.  She's not been on any medication - so we didn't have even have side effects to consider..........

ENTER - Her period.  :-(   Now, I have no idea about cramps, headaches, you name it and to top if off - I put her on the pill to help "schedule" the periods and we're ALL messed up. 

If asked if her tummy hurts, her head, or her "privates" you can be sure you will automatically get a "no".  So here's my idea to improve on God's "perfect" plan.  If you're going to make a person that has absolutely NO use for a period - why can't you then give that said person some kind of gage - a barometer or something that buzzed when they were feeling something that needs some attention or at the least would help make sense out of the weirdness that is seeming to accompany all of this.  Then again - she could just be going through something that has absolutely NO baring on this at all! 

There is a story from my family about how a friend of the family came to our house one day to give me a birthday present.  It was a puzzle and as I opened it (in front of said family friend) I announced (in my big outdoor voice) that I didn't LIKE puzzles.  And as they tried politely to ignore my nasty behavior I became more and more adamant that I did NOT like puzzles.  Knowing my mother it probably ranked right up there with her most embarrassing moment.    But can I just repeat again:   I DON'T LIKE PUZZLES!!!!  It's like some wicked way of getting back at me for my assertiveness as a child. 

It's funny but it's not when I think that Sal could be in pain.  That if I only knew I'd be able to fix it.  Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair that with all the crap that we go through - it just piles on and on.  Granted there are others with far more problems and God knows I wouldn't change places with anyone - but DANG.  Sometimes I just look to the sky and wonder just what kind of sick sense of humor all of this is serving.   Ugghh.

So enough of my pity party.  Have I talked recently about how much I love the teachers that surround Sal.  And no, I'm doing this because she reads this blog (well, not totally).  ;-)   I can't express how much I'm going to miss Humphrey.  I think I said that about JES too and hopefully I'll say it about BHS. 

Through Sal's winning of gold at the State Winter Olympics it has become very crystal clear to me how very special these kids are and how you really are honored to be in their lives.  Even though, as evidenced by the accompanying story it can be a very bitter-sweet honor.  I've met the very BEST people on the face of the earth - and it's all due to Sal.  I've learned some MAJOR life lessons and have come to appreciate things I never though I would.  Through my life with her I've been able to understand the joy of a mother who was WAY excited that her kids said "Piss off" because for 14 years she couldn't make the P sound.  ;-)   There's something about that the "normal" people will NEVER get. 

Standing in line with Sal waiting for snowshoe line ups and seeing children in snowshoes using walkers on skis.  Children skiing and using guide dogs .  It's amazing - a most wonderful world of REAL.  No pretensions.  No fakeness.  I am a very lucky person to get to be a part of that world.  And as she goes through these trying times I guess I need to remember that more. 

A Weekend to top ALL Weekends

Well, it's been a weekend to remember.  Sal got her period on Saturday.  Nature sure has a wicked sense of humor.  How does one who STILL has problems in the toilet and has accidents still (at 14) get a period?  I mean it's something she will NEVER use. 

She thought she had pooped her pants and when I told her no, she had her period she began to cry.  "I don't want my period".  She said it so matter-of-factly, like she could *will* it away.  She was ok - because we were soon on our way to a Holiday Fest with the Fox critters.  :-)

Sal did her usual Obi One "use the force" thing on Friday night.  She was getting ready to go to the Jr High Winter Carnival and told me "I'm going to win a fish tonight". 

Sure enough, she came home all smiles with her chubby little hand holding on to a plastic bag with a tiny goldfish in it.  She reported that she had played buckets, bingo, soccer, and wrestling.  I was curious about the wrestling and when I questioned her further she told me she had beat a boy.  :-)  (poor boy). 

After our fun with the Foxes we came home and Sal had to immediately leave for caroling with the Special Needs kids.  If you know how Sal sings - it should have been a *lovely* performance.  :-)  The saving grace is that they caroled at the Nursing Home - so maybe the hard of hearing escaped Sal's melodious voice.  And God knows everyone is melted by that smile of hers.  ;-)

Mrs E stopped by in the afternoon - totally shocked me.  She's Sal's social worker and big part of our team.  She had run into Bill in the morning and he had told her of Sal's new found "womanhood" and so she came by with a little giftie for Sal.  She also called Mrs P - team leader and shared with her.  They were both so excited.  Isn't that nice?  I don't know what it is but we have ALWAYS had the very BEST teachers and team though Valley View.  I  swear - it's like the Sal is not only mine but the whole community's.  SO many people care about her and go out of the way to show it.  Really made my day.

So the day I've been dreading for about 2 years is finally here and over.  I'll be going to see Dr L about putting Sal on the pill or shot or what ever.  My Oct List told me of shots every 3 months in which you don't have a period at all.  I'll also be inquiring at what age we could think of hysterectomy. 

Sal has done really well.  We have just one more hurdle - we swim tomorrow, so we'll see just how bad things are "down there" and *if* we can swim.  :-/  If we have to cancel THAT - she may be ready to do the harricarry.   :-)  

It's *that* time again.....

Oh, how I love Christmastime.  And by Christmastime I do mean the days between November 1 and January 1.   :-/  Gotta love all the Christians whose only problem is that someone dare tell them that there were actually others in the Country who - God forbid - celebrate something other than Christmas!  There is SO much wrong with this I can't even count:  First - if you're really Christian - which means you try and live as Christ lived - you wouldn't get SO upset about something SO trivial.  Christ was nothing if not tolerant of others' feelings.  Christ was at the base someone who despised material goods so to honor his birthday with material goods seems well, un-Christlike.  The "Christmas" tree was actually brought into the whole Christmas celebration to INCLUDE the pagans who decorated trees at Solstice. Since we have now started celebrating Christmas for more days than just the 25th - I see it as perfectly normal to say "Happy Holidays" because there are MANY days in there! Oh and as far as someone being UN American if they don't celebrate Christmas -

"The first century of colonial life saw few set times and days for pleasure. The holy days of the English Church were as a stench to the Puritan nostrils, and their public celebration was at once rigidly forbidden by the laws of New England. New holidays were not quickly evolved, and the sober gatherings for matters of Church and State for a time took their place. The hatred of "wanton Bacchanallian Christmasses" spent throughout England, as Cotton said, in "revelling, dicing, carding, masking, mumming, consumed in compotations, in interludes, in excess of wine, in mad mirth," was the natural reaction of intelligent and thoughtful minds against the excesses of a festival which had ceased to be a Christian holiday, but was dominated by a lord of misrule who did not hesitate to invade the churches in time of service, in his noisy revels and sports. English Churchmen long ago revolted also against such Christmas observance.
Of the first Pilgrim Christmas we know but little, save that it was spent, as was many a later one, in work."

The whole "season" makes me so very depressed.  All the hype, all the running around, all the mandatory happiness.  Oh, and if you DARE voice your dislike of this most wondrous (made-up) holiday - you would be best to disrobe and take your lashings like a man. :-)  

And so it starts - I try and hide my disdain from my children at least - this IS the greatest holiday for children.  But I certainly don't go overboard and try very hard to instill in them some sense of tolerance and that there is in fact OTHER people in the world who don't march in lock-step and actually celebrate other beliefs AND that those people actually have VALUE!   I did get to see last night that my actions are not all in vein when Jack reminded me of a song that one of my friends (a Jahew - gasp) sent to me and I shared with Jack.   He told me he got to learn that song on the guitar and I was proud - maybe MY kids will be at peace with Christmas, there's always hope.

Cops: Bolingbrook Flag Football

Yep, that's right - Cops make an appearance at Jack's football game today.  Ughhh.  "Grown Ups" - the name is HIGHLY subjective!  Just makes me sick.  Here's the scoop.  We're undefeated.  In fact today is the only day any team has even scored on us. 

At the end of the game the other coach thought he still had time to call time out - he did - I don't think the ref saw it - who knows.  In the big scheme it really doesn't matter because we ahead more than one touchdown.  But this guy is screaming about it and the ref's go off the field - our coach is trying to talk the guy off the ledge - because after all this is a LIFE or DEATH matter right????!!! 

One of the board members comes over (a woman no less) and he screams at her and says something that makes her throw up her hands - give him that "oh no you didn't " pointy finger and she heads off the field to her golf-cart and drives off.  A few minutes later she returns with more board members and at that time practically the all of the bleachers descend to the field and start yelling at this one guy who is the board pres.  All while our kids are watching, their kids are watching AND the next two teams have started to take the field already!!!! 

I grabbed my kids and left just as I saw a policeman grab the other team's coach as he was running the board pres off the field.  God only knows what happened then.  It's very sad when your 10 year old son has more common sense than the other adults around you. 

Adults really ruin sports for children.  I'm so ashamed of us as a whole. 

Looking Forward to Less

The weekend's pretty much over and we survived!  :-)  So, the family event:  we met the most AWESOME couple.  It never fails - total strangers are so much nicer and at ease with Sal than people who have known her since birth.  Granted the woman was a speech therapist.  I swear Special Needs people have a 6th sense about Special Needs kids.  We had a GREAT time! 

Went to the Shag afterwards and as I sat around the fire and laughed my butt off after being greeted with cheers and hugs I realized that it's true - family is who you include in your lives.  Those who don't care to take the time for you don't need to be mourned for.  It's their choice and they're welcome to it. 

I've done some real soul-searching and Bill and I have had some great talks and I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  :-)

The Week

HOPELights

I am a parent of a child with special needs. My life isn't glamorous and it is full of hard work everyday. I go weeks before I realize I need a break. But in the end, the gifts of joy I receive with just an inch of progress - are quite extraordinary and in these moments I know we can do anything.

Boy, ain't this the truth.  It's been a week of up and down.  We've been invited to a family event this weekend and it was pretty much said that Sal wasn't welcome.  I have to admit - it stings.  Since I've had time to deal with this - I'm a little less "hot" than I was when the info first came down the pipe. 

Bill says we're taking her any way.  The thing is - we have NO sitter for her.  Let me tell you the last time we had a weekend or even a night away from her:  When I went to the hospital and had Jack.  :-) 

The way *I* feel about it :  Sal is a very special spirit.  You are *privileged* to be part of her life.  Soooo - when you're a butt-munch you don't get the privilege of being in her life - period.  Not when it's convenient for you - not when there's no one around - never.  But I've been out-voted.  At least in this case.

I broke down the other night and really BAWLED.  I think it wasn't only this situation but just the climax of a really weird week.  Sal had several really good days at school and then of course brought the whole thing down with a really NASTY day.   Ugghh.  It's just tiring - the whole up and down - so low and then so high. 

Jack is going to a sib shop tomorrow.  It's where kids get together to talk and do stuff and the one thing they have in common:  they're all siblings of Special Needs kids. 

We also met Sal's teachers for next year.  They had Best Buddies fundraiser night at Culvers and we went - Sal will be getting a Best Buddy next year - and Jim (the owner of Culvers) introduced us to the teachers.  They had heard of Sal.  :-)  It's always amazing to me how total strangers are so much more involved in her life than family.  I think that's what kind of brought me "up". 

So, we'll see how things go.  I'm looking forward to Monday and the end of this weekend.  :-)

3 Year Evaluation

Meeting at Sal's school today.  Sal was invited.  By law, she's supposed to be there - I'm still not real sure how I feel about that.  It went well, though.  Lots of tests will be done between now and Dec.  In November we (Bill, Sal and myself) will go to the High School and look at the program (low incidence) Sal will be in.  Then we meet with Jr High again to discuss test results and what we thought of the High School program and then we all meet with High School in January to plan the rest of Sal's school career. 
    Where the hell did all the time go????? 
Sal's at a 1st grade level in reading - prob at a higher level in understanding when read to.  She can do ALL the skills in Math - as long as she has a calculator.  It will be tricky to get true results when it comes to the testing.  Sal doesn't test well.  :-/

     Then we come to the other end of the spectrum.  Jack did very well on his ISAT last year.  He scored above the rest of his school, the district and the state.  He would be classified as an above average student.  I tried to explain that what that meant was he needs to be getting straight A's - no B's.  :-)  
    He's also loving school.  Being a 5th grader he gets a lot more responsibility this year.  He's a patrol and now he gets to go to school early so he can help with PBIS things. 

   I have to say it's very refreshing to have children who really love school.  Both of them have decided that they want flu shots this year so they don't miss school.  :-)  (Sal didn't really get a choice since she is SO anti-no school. )  :-)  

    I'm still amazed at her team.  They love her so much.  It's so nice to work with the same people year after year.  They all go so above and beyond their duty AND they have the patience of Job.   They all had Sally stories to share.  She really makes their day (some days)  :-) 

    Still trying to get the house in shape and get some kind of routine down for me - but I've pretty much accepted that I am to be a stay-at-home-Mom for now.  I think the improvement of the children has something to do with me at home, also.  Or at least that's what I tell myself.  :-)

Jack Jack Jack

Jack had football games on Thurs night and then again this morning.  I came out thinking a couple things.  1. Adults are idiots.  2. Jack has a bad attitude.  The second I'm working on resolving.  :-)  
     Jack showed his a$$ today.  Pure and simple.  He's been running with the big dogs lately and he's picked up some less than nice habits.  He threw got a shove on the line this morning - got upset because there was no call - started crying - and then threw a fit on the sidelines.  After I saw him (40 yards away) talk with his hands to the coach (he was back talking - you know the motions) I calmly walked over, stood next to him and quietly but firmly told him just what to look forward to if I ever saw him do that again.  Warning given.  I swear that boy will be the death of me - or at least jail for me.  :-)  
     When we got home I told him to go to his room and get comfortable - I needed to talk to him.  He's got a good heart - he really does.  He just doesn't always apply good judgement.  And EVERYTHING is a huge deal to him.  Which......well, is not all bad.  He's ALWAYS thrilled with stuff - the littlest things make his day - but the littlest things also ruin his day.  Or ruin his minute.  :-)   I don't know, how do you tame that but not break that spirit?!  I did my best to explain that NO feeling was wrong, or bad, or unjust - it was the ACTION that he chose that was wrong.  I explained that NONE of us are always in agreement with people who are in charge (ie: coach, boss, etc).  We suck it up - do our best and come home and bitch.  I welcomed him to come to me and bitch anytime and that would listen.  I also explained that the things that he was in like sports and such were a privilege.  That Sal and Dad and I were more than happy to sleep in on a Saturday instead of hauling our behinds out to a football field to watch him throw a fit.  I think I got my point across.  God knows I'll have to repeat myself - but I don't think he'll do the back talk thing again - at least not to the coach.  :-) 

Now about adults.  Same as always - always screaming at kids from the sidelines.  They all scream different things and they all scream abstract things.  "Hold the line".   Really?  Kids don't get that.  Kids are pragmatic.  You have to say "put your arms up and block number such and such - make sure he can't get from point a to point b."  And the thing is all that talk that adults do turns kids off.  Don't we remember?  How stupid other adults sounded when we were that age?  I mean I'm all for cheers and a good "Come On Broncos"  But the absurdly stupid directions that are screamed every game by all the other parents that don't have time to coach but have plenty of time to stand on the sidelines and second guess. ugghhh. 
    Then of course, there's the other team.  We have a girl on our team.  1 She's good.  2 She's smart 3 She's tough and 4 She's really very pretty and slender.  All this makes the other team's fathers nuts.  God forbid their precious baby boys get thrown around by our girl.  :-)   God forbid they get shown up and out "footballed" by this chick.  And the best part about this girl:  She gets on Jack's butt and makes him play better.  I think she can see he does have some talent - he just has no Umpfff and he doesn't apply himself well.  I love to watch her play.   ---- Oh, and her brother - he can throw!  60+ yard bullets are no problem for this kid.  Needless to say - we haven't been beaten and by halftime we always have to hold back on rushing and passing (slaughter rules).   It's a very interesting season. :-) 
     Sal and I sit in our lawn chairs and watch.  Well, I watch.  Sal always brings something to play with.  The other day she forgot and was happy to play with a package of wet wipes, a key chain, a granola bar and a paperclip.  All these items were in gym class and were playing softball.  :-)   For someone who is SO concrete in her thinking she sure has an imagination.  She does really well when she's not constrained and doesn't have to be totally quiet.  It's the total quiet thing that really gets her.  :-)

Ancestors

Oh, the things I'll do to get out of housework.  :-)  Yes, I've gotten on to ancestry.com and have pretty much instantly become addicted.  I had a lot of my people and dates from my Mom.  When I called her to tell her I had discovered we were related to Mary Todd Lincoln (on my Dad's side) she told me she already knew!  So was it an aunt or a step-sister of Mary's?  Oh, well, she didn't know - when a person married in to the family she didn't research their lineage.  Ugghh.  So, I'm still researching.  It is a lot of fun and before you know it the morning is gone.  :-) 
    Found the prison record for my grandfather.  He seemed to think it was no big deal to be married to two people - neither of them knew.  :-)  I knew that - the whole family does - hence he was never in my Dad's life.  But it was still wild to see the prison record.  
   Bill's family is a little harder.  Like a lot of them they used the same name over and over with little detail as to who was Sr and who was Jr - so with no dates either - it was a little difficult to decipher who is who - not to mention they came over pretty recently.  His Mom's parents had children almost every year they were married for a while.  Granted some died- but still - pumping out a baby every year...dang.
    So, we've started the guided reading here, at home, now.  Jack and I are reading "Bone Chillers".  It occurred to me this evening that my job is to produce a man who can make a living and hopefully have a decent heart that he sees to his sister.   Now, don't worry - I've got trusts in place for when he isn't so "decent".  :-)   We play football tomorrow.  Jack's team is 4-0.  He insists that I do NOT was his socks.  That's evidently where the "luck" is .  ;-) 
   He's having a tough time of it with the crying and slacking off at practice.  The whole team was behind him at the first cry - but now they've seen though it and have pretty much made fun of him the last time.  He's got to work that one out himself.  I don't have much to tell him that I haven't already.  That child has NEVER made sense.  I swear he cries for the attention - even though he's not getting any.  It was the same when he was a baby - screamed every time he was put in a car seat.  Now, if only once I had let him not sit in a car seat I could see that he would keep up the fit - but never, never did he go without a car seat - still he threw a fit each time.  I guess one thing you can count on is that Jack is always going to be a tough one to figure out.  :-)
  My schedule for tomorrow is get Sal from Lego club at 3:50 - take her to bowling bus by 4 - get Jack to his game by 5:15 and pick up Sal from the bowling bus at 6!  :-)  Oh, it's a fun life!  :-)

Finally!

I'm finally back to writing.  :-) 
     So, I've been scrap booking lately.  I was up to 2010 and got that year done - then had to go back to 1998 and keep going backwards.  DEPRESSING!  It's so hard to look at Sal at those ages when she was so little and we didn't know the whole depth of her disability. 
     I admit - I've been in a real funk lately.  Well, the whole year really.  I just can't seem to shake it and I'm not real sure why.  Maybe it's the teen thing that's going on with Sal.  Yes, I'm getting the "normal" teenage attitude (to a degree) and her behavior is getting harder and harder to handle.  Maybe it's the whole stay-at-home-Mom thing.  God knows I stink at it - well the housewife part.  But, slowly but surely, right?
    Maybe it's the getting older thing.  It's so crazy to see and hear about all the kids I've known over the years and how they're all growing up so fast.  I don't know how - *I'm* not getting any older.  :-)
    Just a bunch of crap going on in my life and yet it's kind of blah too.  Lord, who knows. 

Life goes on so bleck and then out of nowhere you're cheered

I know it's been a while.  Truth is - I've been in grief.  Same old grief - loss of my child.  I know I've explained the whole wade into the water thing - I know it's hard to understand probably - but sometimes the anger and sadness and worry join forces and get to you for a long time.  There's been a LOT to be happy about - and I am - but I've been down too and it got the best of me.  I'll go into Sal's gold, Jack's baseball, School being out, and more Mabel stuff - but today really needed to be put down in writing. 

Sally came home from school with this piece of paper:

It's hard to see - her aide writes what she says in highlighter and then Sal traces with pencil.  Here's what it says:  Someone I think is a champion is my mom.  She cooks dinner.  She watch tv with me. Wash the dishes.  Take me to camp. 

Ok - I BAWLED at this.  Here's the thing.  You don't get a lot of feely stuff from Sal.  It's even hard to see her as having feelings sometimes - she's so very pragmatic.  Sally also always chooses Jack as her topic of conversation, papers - you name it - it's always Jack.  For her to come up with this about ME - well, it's huge to me.  I want to frame this.  :-)   It really snapped me out of my funk.  Made me realize that she DOES care about the things I do.  

NOT for the PETA Crowd

The following story is humorous but in a very dark way.  If you at all feel upset about an animals' death - skip to another post.  I just wanted to get this down because it kind of demonstrates the dark humor that surrounds my family. 

RIP Tiny

Tiny is my sister's St Bernard.  He ways a good 130-150 pounds.  He is QUITE a character.  Tiny loves to "go visiting"...... BUT - he will only go if he is accompanied by a cat  AND he will only go if it is not too hot.  I kid you not.  The dog has been found a good 10 miles away and EVERY time he is picked up by my sister, my Dad, my sister's friends, he has a cat with him.  If the cat is Miss Kitty she will let you pick he up and put her in your vehicle - where she will MEOW very loudly her displeasure of riding.  If the cat is Ferocious you will not be able to get close to her and she will eventually find her way back to my sister's house. 

Tiny was having seizures and not the mild shaking and then ok for a day or so - it was convulsions and they repeated even in the same afternoon.  This was my sister's dilemma:   1.  Getting him to the vet.  2.  Money for the treatment - which we all know never really brings them to where they were before the seizures - and that was IF they could find a cure.  3.  If she did get him to the vet and they couldn't do anything for him they would want to put him down and how do you get the body back to your house - because she didn't have money to cremate him.  My sister LOVES her animals - probably more than she does her own kids. (if you know her kids - you'll understand that one)  :-)  I know she agonized over this decision.  She finally called her son to come and shoot Tiny. 

She made the call - it was a Saturday morning.  She went out to dig the grave.  Now, Tiny usually never wants to "hang" with people.  I mean - he'll come over for a treat or to be petted but then he's usually content to lay in the garage.  (cool concrete).   Not that morning.  He laid RIGHT by the hole as she dug.  Her son came out to the farm and helped with the digging.  Tiny then has a seizure.  He falls INTO the grave!   They have to wait to finish till he stops and then they have to help him OUT of the grave. (they want to bury him deep enough that other animals don't get to him)  As they dig a little deeper they run into Harley (a German Shepard she had that had got run over).  My sister lives on a 20 acre farm!!!  What are the chances you would dig exactly in the same spot!  They finally finish and she goes in the house while her son puts Tiny down.   It was a very sad day and an agonizing decision - we've all been there - trying to decide what one should do.  When an animal lives outside and is as big as that guy they have to be healthy.  His life would have been very miserable.  The story, though is priceless.  My sister always jokes that she's the kind that will survive the airplane crash but get run over by the ambulance when it arrives at the crash.  ;-)

Death is a big part of life on the farm.  From cats dragging animals home as presents to the dogs bringing home GIANT bones from the cows next door to her.  Not to mention the whole slaughter thing that we, as "country kids" were all too familiar with.  We all knew that meat didn't come in those pretty pink saran wrapped packages.  My mother was a great one to serve cow tongue that still looked like tongue.  She didn't see the need to disguise it - it is what it is. 

It's been my experience, growing up  in a small community, that you have  rather high odds of dying of old age.  Things are changing as they always do - but for the most part death is still very referent.  It is seen as a peaceful end to this very hard life.   It is mostly seen as a blessing because for the most part the mind gives out before that body  does or vice-versa.  Seldom do they give out at the same time. 

Maybe that's why I'm not that jubilant about Osama's death.  I don't see it as justice.  And I certainly don't get the shouts of joy over it.  I feel very worried and a little nervous as to what will happen now or who will become the new target and the fact that now there is but another country where we will always have troops. 
Well, unlike Bin Laden, Tiny will be missed.  He always had that "duh, duh duh" air about him.   And of course whenever you can put your arm out your drivers window and pet a dog - that makes a memory.
:-)

Had a Nice Keaster!

Sal and I took the train from Naperville to Macomb on Good Friday.  Gpa and Gma picked us up and took us to lunch and then took us out to Aunt Jill's.  The ride was really nice.  Sal and I even slept a little.  :-)   Since the tracks don't run anywhere near the road - I was kind of lost until we got to Galesburg and then I was a little more familiar to where at least in the state we were.  :-)

Sal and I highlighted the IL map we had with us and pretty much were able to pinpoint Aunt Jill's house.  Mostly because she lives ON the Hancock/Adams County border.  :-)  

When we got to Aunt Jill's we then got to go pick up Uncle Mike from the Nursing home.  I stayed behind to make the Dirty Pudding (a family favorite - right Mick).   Did I happen to mention that my sister still has her Christmas Tree up????  Now most of us have to re-arrange furniture when we put up the tree - but she doesn't - hardly even takes up any kind of space at all in her HUGE living room.  Soooooo - when she came back she asked me to take it down.  UGHHH!  I HATE taking down MY tree - let alone someone else's.  My answer was - Heck, we've come this far with it up - what's 7 more months??  No dice.  So with Uncle Mike "supervising" (I now know why God decided to throw him from the roof)  (JUST KIDDING)...  Sal and I got it down and upstairs to her storage room. 

That night (Good Friday) we had her kids (Mick and Brad) and their families - with Mick's new family - which includes two 8 year old twin boys.  We had 7 kids coloring 9 dozen eggs that night.  :-)  They had a BALL!  They got along SO well.  Mick's fiance' Trish brought her Mom and Dad and my Mom and Dad came out for dinner so we had a really nice time.  Trish's family is very nice and gets my family's humor - which speaks to their mental illness.  :-)  

Bill and Jack were missed.  They had opening day for Little League on Saturday.  We found out later that they won the game.  But Sal and I had a much better time that Saturday (in my opinion).  My Aunt Jill and Uncle Mike had to go to the funeral home to make arrangements for Uncle Mike's Dad's funeral.  It was really a blessing.  He was 86 and in the Mendon Nursing Home and had fallen several times and the last he had a stroke.  Sal and I were left alone to be farm girls.  :-)  We went out to the pasture and fed and talked to Kitkat (the grouchy horse) and DR (the very cute and nice donkey).  DR will follow you around and nuzzles up to you and starts stamping his feet if you go to leave. He is a character.  Kitkat stands a few feet away and just gives you those "bitchy" eyes.  She's also known to run him off the trough of food, so I don't have a lot of love for her.  We found Ferocious in the stable and even caught a glimpse of Booger in the barn.  We held Bob (cat) and Miss Kitty and played with Chunky then we walked down the lane to get the paper, came back to the porch, rounded up the rocking chairs and sat in the nice sunshine till they came home.  I could sure get used to that.  :-)

Easter Sunday dinner was just us and my Mom and Dad.  Aunt Jill and I had been out to Hebron Cemetery the night before (the Beckett) cemetery and couldn't find Aunt Jess - we must have walked directly over her - as to what Dad described as where she was.  Anyway - we ended up asking all kinds of questions from the "wild tales" that the Grandmas had told me.  I'm 11 years younger than Aunt Jill and she's the last of the "stair steps" (my 3 siblings).  Soooo when *I* came along both Grandmas were retired and I spent a lot of time with my Grandma Beckett - who lived one block from us.  Being only one child I got to sleep with the Grandmas when I stayed over night and I'd always ask them to tell me a "wild tale".  :-)   Aunt Jill was never privy to that kind of stuff because when she stayed with Grandma - there were 3.  ;-)   Ahhhh - it's good to be the baby.  :-)

My Dad told of when the house that he lived in burned to the ground.  That house was located right next to the house my parents live in now - they moved there , from the farm, in the 60s - not too much before I came along.  My siblings didn't have running water - I did.  :-)  That's why they think I'm spoiled.  Anyway, he told of how the entire upstairs was gone and that was where my Grandma and his things were.  They lived with his Grandfather and his Uncle Albert.  Even though he was 16 years old he said he cried like a baby.  It made a HUGE impression on him - to this day his greatest fear is fire. 

My family got a HUGE kick out of Sally.  I never realized before but my Grandma's Mom (Sally) was born in September - same as my Sally.  I guess I did pick the right name.  :-) 

Basketball is OVER!

Had our first play off game last night.  If we lost we were done and if we won we would go on to play for the Championship on Sat.  We lost.  BUT.......It was a game and a half.  Both teams played REALLY well.  We were within 2 for most of the game.  Brad says "It was a defensive battle".  :-)  

I can really see how Jack improved from when we started to now.  He cried twice on the court.  Once when he had the ball and was picked up by a kid by the ball.  And the other - I'm not sure what he was upset about.  It bothers Bill a LOT - but I can see he's trying to work it out.  He's staying on the court - he's trying to get back into the game - he's just got tears.  I think he'll get it under control.  Plus, his coach assured me he has a HUGE heart - that he had the biggest heart on the team.  Well, if tears come with that - I'll take it.  I love that he has such a huge heart. 

Sal did a GREAT job.  She played UNO with her medals the whole game.  She had brought her gold medal and bronze to show some of the people at Johnny Rockets (we had a school fundraiser there before the game) and when we got to the game she asked who could play UNO with her - I suggested her medals would play - the look on her face was so cute.  Kind of like "that's kind of silly - but well, yeah - they could".  So it she stayed out of our hair and no "how much longer" questions.  I praised her and praised her when we were done. 

On a serious note - Jack brought up going to college on the way home from practice the other night.  I was just him and me and he asked what college he could go to.  Then asked what college Sally would go to.  I said that she may go to JJC.  He decided that he should do that too - when I told him that he could go away to college he seemed concerned that he wanted to be with Sal.  So I leveled with him that Sal going to college and him going were two entirely different things.  I broke it to him that she would not be able to be a Dr or lawyer and yes - miracles do happen and things can change but we do have to face facts of the present right now.  He was kind of taken back.  I think he only saw her "handicap" in her behavior and not in her ability to learn.  It saddened me and of course when he got out and went in the house I sat in the car and bawled.  I felt like I had killed Santa for him.  I remembered that little 2 year old telling us how Sally was his hero because she had found one of his toys that he lost. 

On a happier tone = Sal had her IEP annual meeting this week.  She's doing GREAT.  I LOVE my team - and not just because they seem to love Sal.  They work SO hard and are constantly evolving on how to reach and teach her.  She's reading at a 2nd grade level and can tell time and money.  We still need to work on counting change and knowing what you get back - but it's a start.  As we've all known for a long time her understanding is WAY above her level of communication and even that's getting better. 

Sally got to come into the meeting at the end and she just beamed!  She loves school so much.  We got approved for summer school - which we're ALL excited about.  We also decided that she will transition into the "life skills" class in High School and since my team hasn't done this before they want to work very closely with us to get this done.  Loving that! 

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming......

I'm so full of emotion I can hardly write.  It's been an amazing day.  Let me back up a couple to let you in on what's been up in our household lately.

I think when I last wrote it was a little down - one of those times in life when Special Needs becomes - well, not so special.  More tiring.  You get worn down, nerves get raw, the world seems to be celebrating and you're cleaning up poop - just prickly.  Sal's kind of been coming into a toddler/teenage (they tell me the attitude is the same) thing.  Screamy in the morning.  ALWAYS picking on the brother in the morning (his most *favorite* time of the day)  and in general being a royal pain in my arse.  Bill wanted me to see about drugs to "calm her down" - but I really think it's a teen-age thing and, sadly, there are no drugs for teenagers(or their parents).   So, I've honestly been white knuckling it through lately.  We did the swim meet a couple of weeks ago and of course she qualified to go again this weekend.

We decided she could go by herself.  The bus takes them all - they have a coach and aide and there's only 3 kids that go (and 2 go by themselves too).  And YES I was feeling guilty.  But not guilty enough to go with her.  Jack had a basketball game and we've kind of neglected Jack in some of the sports things in favor of always being there for Sal....AND her coach assured me she would do great. 

So today started off with a trip across town to put her on the bus by 8 am and then home to get a shower and take Jack to his game.  Yes, the guilt was kicking in again because I was really looking forward to watching a game of Jack's without Sal in tow.  Without having to say "only 4 minutes left" for 20 times.  My brother and sister-in-law had kind of thought they might come and I was looking forward to finding out what's going on with their kids (one in Singapore, one just started basic training and one who is one of those "fat cat" teachers you hear about in the news - but THATs a whole 'nother post). 

When I got back Bill decided he wanted to stay in bed - he's been sick the last 2 weeks and I think it finally caught up with him....SO Jack and I left and got to the game.   Had a great time.  Jack played very well, got to find out all the gossip of the family , Jack's team won and my brother even recorded the game and said he'd send it to Mom and Dad (I still have one of those OLD videos that does the VHS).  So, I got home after the game and we called the swimming coach and found out that we had a couple of hours till the bus would be home.  Bill and I got to sit and talk (I had dropped Jack off at a friend's) without any interruptions.  I headed over to the Park District at the appointed time.  

As I got to the bus, the coach, aide and Sal were all standing outside of it - oh oh.    I no more got out than they shouted "She got a gold medal!"     I think I said something like "you're kidding - no, she didn't".

Ok, that sounds harsh probably - but I did not expect that at ALL.  1.  At the last meet Sal was 4 out of 5 kids.  2.  There were to be more kids at this one because if you get gold you go to State. 

I think it was when I saw the medal hanging on her neck and her coach saying how she swam faster than she ever saw her that I started crying.  (and of course I'm crying now just thinking about it).  Sal, of course was on to the next thing and was in the car before I could say thankyou to the staff and goodbye. 

As we drove home I told her how proud I was of her.  "You are?"  She asked.  "Mabel be proud too." she commented.  I bawled all the way home and she kept looking at me like I was crazy.  ;-)

When we got home she ran in saying "I won gold medal!"  Bill was as stunned as I was and I do believe I saw a tear in his eye.  "We go to Culvers?"  she asked.  Are you kidding?  She could asked for a car and probably got it at that point.  :-)   We called Grandma and Grandpa, Aunts, Uncles, took pictures and posted them on facebook.  As the night has gone on I've tried to figure out just why I'm so touched and emotional about this.  I keep recalling two times in my life:  1.  When the lady down the street told me about her Johnny who was in a home and got money for crushing cans and that he has made $2.25 one day and when I had rejoiced with her she said "Oh, I just knew *you'd* get it.  All my other friends think don't get it.  And the time when Jack was probably 3 or 4 and he stood in front of us with Sally standing behind and "read" (like kids do when they've heard the story so many times they know it by heart) to us.  I remember thinking "how can I be happy when I know you're sister will NEVER do this".  

So, tonight I "get it" again.  Tonight his sister stands in FRONT.  Tonight I see the HOPE.  Tonight I have more faith and tonight I CELEBRATE. 

And lastly - tonight I realize that I am holding her back.  I may need to push a little more.  Either that - or I have to sneak into things - so she doesn't know I'm there.  :-)