Christmas is WAY over rated!!!

Christmas program today at church. S did VERY well at the first service - the one I wasn't at. The second service that I attended - she was HORRIBLE!!! When you look up the word stress - my picture is next to it with my head exploding!

J did VERY well. He sang, sat quietly, and did exactly what he was supposed to. Since then S has been just over the top. SO much shouting out, back talking and in general a real brat. I know, I HATE that word - but it really fits at this moment. And even though I know that it's the autism that's causing it - it's just SO hard to deal with. You feel like all your nerves are all up at the surface of your skin. They're hovering there - and you can actually FEEL the blood in there - like a big glob of deviled egg stuffing being squeezed through a decorators bag.

I really wish they'd give a class, a seminar, heck even a meeting about dealing with this. I get some tips from the therapists - but dang - in the midst of the thing going on and just regular life - well, I'm failing miserably.

What really sucks is that when I have to take S out of service - or whatever is going on - I miss all of J. Sometimes I feel really sorry for him. Like B and I he never asked for this and the burden was thrust upon him. It's strange to type that "burden" - I actually see S as two different entities. The wonderful little girl who tells me about grandpa and the peanuts and that wouldn't it be funny if she called me Mrs Stevens. And then there's that demon - that screaming, screeching, nasty brat that HAS to have the last word and HAS to keep doing something over and over and over and over and WILL NOT stop.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of hearing it all - I never realized what a powerful tool loudness is. I swear, if we were to let the Pentagon have her for a day and put her in the cell with the prisoners at Git mo - we'd have our answers by dinner time.

Pastor prayed today that we would be granted the strength and patience to rear our children. Boy, that is the truth. Strength and patience. And I have SO little to spare.