Moving

We're moving again!  The blog - not us in real life.  :-)  You can find us here:

http://3mendous.blogspot.com/

Wow, The things you find out......

Yeah, I'm still here.  I'm doing better.  Everyday is better and better.  I've found out a LOT!   Amazing how you can live with someone for so long and not have a clue that they are lying right to your face.  Oh, the lessons I'm learning with this little hitch in my giddy up.  :-)  
     And thank God for friends!  I really have some amazing friends who I know face to face and who I know through the interwebs.  I really am very very lucky to have so many people in my life who have reached out and just said "hi, I'm thinking of you".   That really means so much.  It means that I'm NOT alone - I'm NOT the biggest fool in the world  - that others have been there - done that - lived through it or have even thought about "what if".  It ALL means the world to know that you all are out there.  I thank you - each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. 
    So, where do I go from here - well - the only answer is:  UP!  :-)   The kids are managing.  I know there will be more hurdles - but I think the very darkest days are behind me - as far as the marriage is concerned.  Now I just get to think about unwanted pregnancy, drugs, prison - you know the normal mother worries.  ;-)  
     Jack has made the honor roll and even though he has shown some anger and mis-management about said anger - he is really doing VERY well.  I'm very pleased.  I damn near flunked out of Jr High and my parents have been married for over 60 years.  :-)   So, I feel if he can hold it together with all of the crap that has just been flung at us - well, then we have a pretty good foundation and hopefully we can make it through. 
    Sal has had some regression.  Some potty accidents, some nasty back talk - but nothing too crazy.  Well, Sal crazy - but that's the norm.  ;-)    She seems to be handling the "sleepovers" at her Dad's pretty well.  They both come back hopped up on sugar and happy - what more can I ask for. 
    The house is slowly starting to fall apart.  For someone who never planned anything in his life Bill sure hit the target on getting out right before everything crashed down around him.  Just little goofy things - but enough to make me want to pluck his eyes right out of their sockets.  :-)  Oh, I'm kidding.  He's been very good about the kids and the child support.  After all the stuff I found out I really should be thanking him.  Just wish he would have had the balls (or girlfriend) when I had a job.  It would have been a *little* easier.
    Yeah, still no takers on the daycare.  Finances are the hardest part about all the crap.  But I know in my heart that it will soon turn around also.  I just have to keep plucking on.   I keep thinking of my Grandma Beckett.  She grew a man all on her own.  I have a lot in common with that goofy lady.  She had a wicked sense of humor also.  And God knows she was strong.  Took care of ALL the men in her life, father, uncle, son - seems like I come from some really strong women.  I hope she would be proud of me. 
    So life plods on.  I'm looking forward to a new lease on life.  I really kind of like doing my own thing.  Making what I want for dinner - not trying to figure out what's going on in his mind.  Now, if I could get the business going I would REALLY feel good - but just as the WWitch says "all in good time, my pretty, all in good time".   My challenge is to be PATIENT!  ;-)

Love, Anthony.

Well, it might as well have been titled : Kelly Davidek, This is Your Life.    Just finished the book and Good God it was a total life changer!   It's about a woman who's going through a divorce and who writes a book about an autistic boy.   Hmmmm - sound kind of familiar?   But the mind blowing thing is it didn't connect me with Sal so much or give me inspiration about her ------- it was JACK!   There is a sentence at the end of the book:  " The spectrum is long and wide, and we're all on it.  Once you believe this, it becomes easy to see how we're all connected."    Ok - may not be as apparent to you - but it totally blew me away.  Here I've been treating Sal so individualized and didn't even consider (well, not really) that JACK is as well on the spectrum.   No, not as diagnosis, but in the fact that he is different too - different from Sal, from me and from Bill.    I need to show him that I love him unconditionally just as I show Sal.   I think I try more to "mold" Jack - trying to correct a lot of behavior that drives me crazy, trying to get him to talk to me like I talk to people.   Well, howdy doody - it just doesn't work like that.

I also realized through the book that I HAVE to forgive Bill.  Not for Bill and not for the kids - but for me. I have to go positive on this.   So many feelings swept through me in this book.   We're ALL like Anthony and we all have our OWN way of communicating love and happiness.  

So on a lighter note:  The Swimmer Sal won blue and red ribbons last week for 50m freestyle and 50m backstroke respectively.   She amazes me.  She was on a high all weekend because the day after her meet we put up the Christmas stuff.  Yes, I did it!   Those who know me - or have read previous entries know that I am by NO means a fan of Christmas.  There are many things wrong with it in my opinion and no, I'm not making a moral statement about YOUR feelings or religion or holiday - I'm talking about me - me only - MY opinion.  All the gift giving, busy work, decorating, COLD, shuffling of furniture, planning of gatherings, tv specials, red and green all of it....bleck.   BUT - I did it - did the whole decorating thing with no help (except Jack and Sal).   It went well.   It was tough when we were done - that's when Sal and Jack play dreidel or the Christmas card game that lives in the Christmas box all year and Bill and I would sit on the couch and look at all the decorations we had just put up and then become quite aware that they were indeed getting along and that at any minute the balance of power could shift from us to them.  :-)   So I decided that my goal for next Christmas is to come up with new traditions.   And since I don't have to have them approved by anyone (who usually hated any ideas I had) I think Christmas just *might* make a come back in my life.   :-)  
 

So - a LOT has happened

It's been pretty busy here lately - and for the most part ok.  I cannot get over the people who have reached out to me in support.  It's very humbling to realize that there are many people who care out there.  I am a very very lucky girl - that is for sure.  It's kind of strange but just hearing from people and having the knowledge that they are pulling for me really DOES make me feel better. 

The Oct 97 list was of course on my side and voiced their opinions in no uncertain terms and to be honest the thought of them all running after Bill with torches and pitchforks (an idea started by Ann and then carpool planned by Kelly and Laura) did get me through the tough times.  ;-) 

I have claimed the house - complete with clean garage and TWO sides of the closet.  ;-)   The downstairs now resembles a very organized daycare room and not so much a garage sale and I'm drinking HAZELNUT coffee every morning.  These are the good things.  I won't go into the bad times - I have a separate journal for those.  ;-)  (and of course, Dear Lonnie - who gets to hear my ranting and tantruming  before my calm brain engages)  ;-)   

I still worry constantly about the kids - mainly Jack and I think I may be over doing the  "are you ok" thing to him.  I'm trying very hard to let him know I am open to talking about anything and everything and that I will always be honest - which in my own head sounds kind of stupid being that it's only been a few short years since he believed the crap I told him about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Great Goblin and of course the man that sits on the throne of lies (no not Bill)  :-)  Santa.   Ok, that was catty - but hey - I'd say it to his face - so I don't feel so bad.

Maybe I'm making too much out of the whole thing.  I just expected Jack's world to crumble around him and him to be a sopping mess (kind of like the day that I found out) - but maybe, because of all the OTHER crap they face (soft-lockdown today at school) he is more invincible.  I keep running into people who I find out are divorced - I guess I didn't notice before - kind of like when you're pregnant and all you see are other pregnant people - but I think "so and so's kids turned out really well" - there really is a lot of that.  Maybe I should ease up on watching Intervention too (I noticed that one thing they ALL had in common was divorce or childhood trauma). 

I'm in the middle of the Divorcee Health Tour - going to Dr and dentist and getting everything I possibly need because I leave Bill's insurance in January.  I LOVE my MD - he really put things into perspective for me and he felt that physically I was really handling things well.  I need to hear that - It's more important then ever that I live as long as I possibly can. 

We also went to my side of the family's for Thanksgiving.  Yep -  4 hours in the Red Beast with The Childrens and Mabel.   There are times that I really wonder if my cheese has slipped off my cracker as they say.  :-)   We had a very nice time.   My sister's HUGE open-layout house always provides LOTS of room to run and play and yell for the kids . Not to mention there is always an animal that wants to be petted or to run with or to just watch.  And believe me she has the strangest animals that are most entertaining. 

My sister is also a very good cook and always makes real meals for us - including breakfast.  We had biscuits and gravy, meatloaf, eggs and bacon and of course all the Thanksgiving stuff along with leftovers from that.   I'm not a huge fan of cooking but as anyone who knows me in person can testify - I do like to eat.  :-)   Sal is always getting ideas that I should make ________  like Aunt Jill.  She doesn't seem to understand that my cooking skills are much less.  ;-)  

Sal is in the swing of her busiest season.  Snow shoe, swim team, cooking class, weight class, bowling, restaurant review, and of course Social club.  When I signed her up for everything Bill hadn't announced his plans and looking into the future - I don't think I'll be able to swing that much again. 

I am starting to advertise the daycare.  I'm also in the process of getting the license.  Same old crazy state of IL - kind of like dealing with crazy Uncle Albert - they make no sense but they are entertaining and to get what you want from them you must play their game.  I have to say I think I'm pretty good at that.  My sister (who was helping me read over rules and regulations) is not.  She argued about most every rule - like it was suppose to make common sense.  I have to say I'm a little upset that in the rules it states you cannot have a raccoon.  :-/   It did not say anything about having a skunk, however, so I've got that to fall back on.  ;-)  hee hee

So, I've gathered the tweezers, plugged the sockets, locked up the cleaning stuff and made my bleach water solution.  I need a CPR class and then the home visit should be a go.  I'm thinking I will be able to take 7 kids by February.  Until then I have to be ok with 2 (since Jack still counts as one until he's 12). 

This brings me to something I discovered about myself recently.  Lonnie recommended a book called Love, Anthony.  I cried after reading the first 2 pages .  One of the characters is a Mom of an Autistic boy.  She is one of the mothers who try EVERYTHING to CURE the kid.  It dawned on me - I didn't do that.  I mean - we did therapy and Early Intervention and I read books and went to support group meetings and informational meetings - but I can't say I read everything that came down the pipe and for a time I did want a cure - but not very long - really did kind of accept it.  Like DCFS stuff - I kind of said "ok, if that's how it is - let's do it".   I'm not sure if that's good or bad.   Maybe it just is.  Right now I wouldn't change Sal for the world.  Don't get me wrong - if I could wave a wand and she would be totally "normal" (ha ha - right, from my family - I don't think so)  :-)   I would - but for her - so she could have kids and lead a "normal" life.  But *I* really LOVE the Sally I got.  I mean if she was "normal" she wouldn't be Sally.  She wouldn't have conversations with Mabel or see to Jack the way she does.  She wouldn't call my nephew "Bread" (Brad) or think that my brother had named his two boys Bob and Bob (one of them is actually Dave).  She wouldn't tell me with great concern that she left David (a Fisher Price Little People) at Aunt Jill's and would it be ok if he stayed there till Christmas.  Who would skip to the school bus at 6:15 a.m.?   Who would fear the flu so much (because if you're sick you stay home from school) that she would actually cry when she *couldn't* get a shot?   No, without Sal being Sal none of us would be the same.  And God knows I wouldn't have met the most wonderful people in the world.  I'm not kidding when I say returning to Humphrey with Sal at your side is like being with a Rock Star.

So we trudge on - not sure what the future is holding for us.  Jack gave me the best compliment yesterday and he doesn't even know it:  "When I grow up, I want to live here".  Now, he did go on to say that he wanted *me* to move out - but it still made me feel good to see that he feels that this is a good home - that he's happy and comfortable here.  I did go on to tell him that I would gladly rent to own to him - I know I *still* won't be close to payoff by then.  ;-/   

Time Must March On

I can understand now that divorce is really like a death and you mourn it.  I have good days and then not so good days.  It's crazy how hard unwinding a 21 year marriage is.  Sure you sign a paper and it's done - but the other stuff is just mind blowing.  Then there's all the mourning feelings .  I swear I go through 12 different feelings before 9 am.   :-)  

I still really worry about the kids.  I took Sal to see where Bill will be living soon.  She was pretty good after that.  She started talking about "sleepovers" and that her People will be going over there.  She's also WAY into the daycare.  She's carted all of her toys from outside (play kitchen and such) up to the deck to be washed and taken to the daycare.  Of course I'm not getting it all together near as fast as she'd like.  :-)  

I'm looking forward to opening the daycare again.  Thanks to my facebook friends we have found the perfect name:  Little People Daycare.  Sal had a HUGE smile on her face when I told her.  Little by little we're starting to get there.

I'm hoping when Bill actually moves out (hopefully by the end of the month) we can get into some sort of "new normal" schedule.  Right now it just feels like we're all treading water.  It's hard to get dinner and figure out what's going on each night when you're not sure who's going to be where and at what time.    But this too will pass, right.

Jack tried out for basketball this week.  There were over 30 sixth graders and there is no 6th grade team so needless to say he didn't make it.  He *seems* to be taking it well.  He's doing that "boy thing" where one minute you can't shut him up and the next you can't pull a word out.  Hormones, being a male and of course divorce is taking it's toll.  I just figure if I keep listening to every single thing and checking in every night that I'll be able to help.  God, give me strength.

Sal's easier. She's pragmatic.  She talks to her teachers and to everyone and almost brings things up at very crazy times - but she's always easy to put at ease with what's going on.    Thank God - they're like a tag team those two.  :-)

Don't Think We're Gonna Make It

Whelp, it looks like Bill and I really are going to be part of the 80% of couples with Special Needs children that divorce.  Yeah, it was a shock to me too.  But I'm not going to get into our relationship since it would only be my side. 

I mostly worry about the kids.  Right now Jack has my attention since he's the one that will be affected mostly by feelings and such.  Sal will be affected by routine.  Since we'll (me and the kids) be staying in the house, Sal will be ok after he actually goes.  Jack, on the other hand will take it harder, I believe. 

The schools have been GREAT!  I've told the teachers and had a pow wow with the Social Worker at Jack's school and she helped me as well as him.  We'll manage.  It just seems so unfair and I find myself wanting to stamp my feet and scream "not fair, not fair".   I guess there's probably a lot of people out there that feel that way. 

Now begins the untangling of lives.  It's harder than you think and it's all these little things you don't think about like the electric is in his name.  Stupid stuff like that.  Already there has been some division of friends.  People I thought I knew - well, hell, who am I kidding - *I* thought I knew Bill.  Seems we never really know anyone - not really. 

Anyway, little by little I'm picking up my life.  I've found some sort of strength I NEVER thought I had.  Really kind of surprised myself. 

So back to my kids.  Jack is hitting the ball out of the park at Jr High.  Really excelling in class and seeming to really be enjoying himself.  I do worry that he feels he has to be the man now and somehow "save" me.  I talk to him every night about how this is NOT his fault and that his only worries are grades and being in trouble.  Or more like not being in trouble.  :-)  

Sally is loving school - not a surprise there.  She's in a life skills class and really enjoys the weekly field trips and getting to "work" in the cafeteria.  The class took a trip to the Post Office a couple of weeks ago and they were amazed that all the clerks at the PO knew Sal by name and that when they were walking in they got hollers from the Public Works guys to Sal.  They didn't realize what a celebrity she is.  ;-)

Her birthday came and went.  We had a bouncy castle and the whole neighborhood showed up at one point or another.  Aunt Jill came up and of course brought cookies that spelled out "Sally 15".   She had a great weekend, that's for sure.  She's also started Swim team and running class and restaurant review.  She loves the after school stuff. 

Food Stamps - Welfare

I recently saw several postings on fb that went something like "someday I'll be able to afford an iphone like the girl in front of me with the food stamps".   I admit - I don't like it when others cheat either - but I wonder how much "cheating" there is REALLY going on.  I guess I have a different take on "entitlements" from the government because my family receives a lot of them and will be getting even more when Sal turns 18.  

Here's what I mean:   The school bus picks Sally up at our door - has ever since she's gone to school (age 3).  Now granted there were years when she was bussed to Pioneer (across town) and so it was necessary but for 9 years she went to either grade school or jr high that is in walking distance from our house (Jack has and will continue to hoof it or ride his bike till he hits BHS).   Here's my point- I could have taken her - I could have walked her - took her in my car - you name it - but the transportation is given "free" to kids with special needs.  To me, this is kind of like the food stamp lady.   But here's the deal:  Sal is more independent by riding the bus, she has to rely on others to be able to understand her, to help her, etc.   On the other hand it helps me tremendously!  I was able to spend more time one on one with Jack, I was able to save gas money, which in turn I used to eat out.  We eat out a lot.  And anyone could say the same of me "I'll be able to eat out a lot when I have a daughter with special needs".  But that eating out keeps me sane sometimes.  It's a chance to get out and feel a little "normal".  Maybe the food stamp lady is like that too.  Maybe she has scraped a saved all just to get an iphone so she can feel somewhat "normal" or like "someone" or "connected".  Maybe we should all step back and walk in other's shoes before we judge so harshly. 

I do know that Bill and I live pretty much paycheck to paycheck like so many of us do right now.  I don't work so I can be here for the kids - it's hard to keep decent hours when you might be called to school at any time and the fact that you HAVE to - no matter what - be there when the bus pulls up or all holy hell will break loose.  My mother used to always tell me "money isn't everything - in fact it's hardly anything".  I think that's the problem - we put WAY too much stock in money.  We put WAY too much stalk in "he's getting more than me".   Jack would always start that "It's not fair thing".   I always reminded him that it wasn't fair that Sal was born the way she was.  It wasn't fair that Uncle Mike fell off a roof and will never walk again.  You don't deserve what you get and thank God, you don't get what you deserve.  So the next time you get ticked at the people taking all your tax money to be on food stamps - think of Sal riding on the bus that you paid for and smile - she does.  :-)