It's been pretty busy here lately - and for the most part ok. I cannot get over the people who have reached out to me in support. It's very humbling to realize that there are many people who care out there. I am a very very lucky girl - that is for sure. It's kind of strange but just hearing from people and having the knowledge that they are pulling for me really DOES make me feel better.
The Oct 97 list was of course on my side and voiced their opinions in no uncertain terms and to be honest the thought of them all running after Bill with torches and pitchforks (an idea started by Ann and then carpool planned by Kelly and Laura) did get me through the tough times. ;-)
I have claimed the house - complete with clean garage and TWO sides of the closet. ;-) The downstairs now resembles a very organized daycare room and not so much a garage sale and I'm drinking HAZELNUT coffee every morning. These are the good things. I won't go into the bad times - I have a separate journal for those. ;-) (and of course, Dear Lonnie - who gets to hear my ranting and tantruming before my calm brain engages) ;-)
I still worry constantly about the kids - mainly Jack and I think I may be over doing the "are you ok" thing to him. I'm trying very hard to let him know I am open to talking about anything and everything and that I will always be honest - which in my own head sounds kind of stupid being that it's only been a few short years since he believed the crap I told him about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Great Goblin and of course the man that sits on the throne of lies (no not Bill) :-) Santa. Ok, that was catty - but hey - I'd say it to his face - so I don't feel so bad.
Maybe I'm making too much out of the whole thing. I just expected Jack's world to crumble around him and him to be a sopping mess (kind of like the day that I found out) - but maybe, because of all the OTHER crap they face (soft-lockdown today at school) he is more invincible. I keep running into people who I find out are divorced - I guess I didn't notice before - kind of like when you're pregnant and all you see are other pregnant people - but I think "so and so's kids turned out really well" - there really is a lot of that. Maybe I should ease up on watching Intervention too (I noticed that one thing they ALL had in common was divorce or childhood trauma).
I'm in the middle of the Divorcee Health Tour - going to Dr and dentist and getting everything I possibly need because I leave Bill's insurance in January. I LOVE my MD - he really put things into perspective for me and he felt that physically I was really handling things well. I need to hear that - It's more important then ever that I live as long as I possibly can.
We also went to my side of the family's for Thanksgiving. Yep - 4 hours in the Red Beast with The Childrens and Mabel. There are times that I really wonder if my cheese has slipped off my cracker as they say. :-) We had a very nice time. My sister's HUGE open-layout house always provides LOTS of room to run and play and yell for the kids . Not to mention there is always an animal that wants to be petted or to run with or to just watch. And believe me she has the strangest animals that are most entertaining.
My sister is also a very good cook and always makes real meals for us - including breakfast. We had biscuits and gravy, meatloaf, eggs and bacon and of course all the Thanksgiving stuff along with leftovers from that. I'm not a huge fan of cooking but as anyone who knows me in person can testify - I do like to eat. :-) Sal is always getting ideas that I should make ________ like Aunt Jill. She doesn't seem to understand that my cooking skills are much less. ;-)
Sal is in the swing of her busiest season. Snow shoe, swim team, cooking class, weight class, bowling, restaurant review, and of course Social club. When I signed her up for everything Bill hadn't announced his plans and looking into the future - I don't think I'll be able to swing that much again.
I am starting to advertise the daycare. I'm also in the process of getting the license. Same old crazy state of IL - kind of like dealing with crazy Uncle Albert - they make no sense but they are entertaining and to get what you want from them you must play their game. I have to say I think I'm pretty good at that. My sister (who was helping me read over rules and regulations) is not. She argued about most every rule - like it was suppose to make common sense. I have to say I'm a little upset that in the rules it states you cannot have a raccoon. :-/ It did not say anything about having a skunk, however, so I've got that to fall back on. ;-) hee hee
So, I've gathered the tweezers, plugged the sockets, locked up the cleaning stuff and made my bleach water solution. I need a CPR class and then the home visit should be a go. I'm thinking I will be able to take 7 kids by February. Until then I have to be ok with 2 (since Jack still counts as one until he's 12).
This brings me to something I discovered about myself recently. Lonnie recommended a book called Love, Anthony. I cried after reading the first 2 pages . One of the characters is a Mom of an Autistic boy. She is one of the mothers who try EVERYTHING to CURE the kid. It dawned on me - I didn't do that. I mean - we did therapy and Early Intervention and I read books and went to support group meetings and informational meetings - but I can't say I read everything that came down the pipe and for a time I did want a cure - but not very long - really did kind of accept it. Like DCFS stuff - I kind of said "ok, if that's how it is - let's do it". I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Maybe it just is. Right now I wouldn't change Sal for the world. Don't get me wrong - if I could wave a wand and she would be totally "normal" (ha ha - right, from my family - I don't think so) :-) I would - but for her - so she could have kids and lead a "normal" life. But *I* really LOVE the Sally I got. I mean if she was "normal" she wouldn't be Sally. She wouldn't have conversations with Mabel or see to Jack the way she does. She wouldn't call my nephew "Bread" (Brad) or think that my brother had named his two boys Bob and Bob (one of them is actually Dave). She wouldn't tell me with great concern that she left David (a Fisher Price Little People) at Aunt Jill's and would it be ok if he stayed there till Christmas. Who would skip to the school bus at 6:15 a.m.? Who would fear the flu so much (because if you're sick you stay home from school) that she would actually cry when she *couldn't* get a shot? No, without Sal being Sal none of us would be the same. And God knows I wouldn't have met the most wonderful people in the world. I'm not kidding when I say returning to Humphrey with Sal at your side is like being with a Rock Star.
So we trudge on - not sure what the future is holding for us. Jack gave me the best compliment yesterday and he doesn't even know it: "When I grow up, I want to live here". Now, he did go on to say that he wanted *me* to move out - but it still made me feel good to see that he feels that this is a good home - that he's happy and comfortable here. I did go on to tell him that I would gladly rent to own to him - I know I *still* won't be close to payoff by then. ;-/
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