Selfless Parent?

Are you the selfless parent of a child with autism?
Saturday January 24, 2009
There are many reasons to get married and/or have children. In my own experience, I find that the majority of people choose to marry and have children because (1) everyone does it, and it just seems natural; (2) they love their mate and/or want the pleasure of raising children; (3) they want the security that comes along with a mate and the expectation that children will take care of them in their old age. Some people certainly marry and have children because it gives them a sense of connection and purpose that they lacked prior to having a family.
None of these reasons, in my opinion, are "wrong" - they're simply part of the human condition.
In answer to my question "has your child with autism wrecked your life?" (referring specifically to children with really profound autistic symptoms), though, one commenter named Laura said this:
We don't become (or shouldn't become) wives or husbands or parents out of a selfish need or motivation for someone to give something back to us. These roles may require complete selflessness on our part at some point in life and deciding that because the other person cannot give back to me what I give to them...their life is not my call to make. And as a side note, I make their life worth living in some way by the way I have so much control over what kind of life they live. As with the disabled husband, with a disabled child, I have the responsibility to figure out what makes them tick, what gives them joy, satisfaction, confidence and any amount of independence and GIVE it to them in ridiculously large amounts.I must say that I am in awe of an individual for whom marriage and childbearing is a wholly unselfish and altruistic act - and for whom selflessness is a pure joy. Few of us would embrace an unexpected disability, and fewer of us would gladly dedicate their lives solely to the joy, satisfaction and confidence of another.
Personally, while I am raising a child with autism - and while my husband and I have made life changes to support that child's needs - I can't really say that I became a parent out of a purely selfless desire to care for another human being. I wanted to enjoy parenthood (and I do!). I wanted a reason to play, get silly, and rediscover the world through a child's eyes (and I do!). It's hard for me to fault parents for feeling angry, frustrated or depressed when none of their ordinary dreams of parenthood come true.
What's your feeling about marriage, child-rearing, and unexpected disability? Express your thoughts here - or vote in the poll!
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************



I have to admit sometimes I feel cheated. It's usually after I've had some kind of GREAT experience and I'm living life almost forgetting about what Sal deals with and it comes RAGING in. Maybe it's in the form of a full-blown meltdown, a bathroom incidence, a Doctor's visit (you forget she can't open her mouth and say "aw" on command), or maybe a skating party.

Yes, last night it came RAGING in!!! First there was the physical limitations of being able to put on skates (or even helping shove her foot in the boot), then there was the anxiety attack when she began to skate, then there was the CONSTANT need for verbal commands as to what to do. When I looked around and saw that our 3 year old neighbor had gotten the hang of it and we were still NO WHERE near there I remembered. We call it Autism - but I'm not sure that's an accurate name. Whatever it is that has a hold of Sal. That limits her communication, her brain waves, her muscles and joints to work in sync with her brain. It's times like those that I want to draw my sword like Peter did. But I know all too well, it hasn't won everything. There are SO many blessing that go with it. I usually think that the blessings outnumber the problems. It's only sometimes when it seems EVERYTHING is an obstacle.

But in retrospect we beat "it's" butt last night. She did SO well for her limitations that it really is a blessing. Her meltdown didn't last *that* long and she was encouraged by all of her peers. So take that Autism. We will persevere.