What a complex life I live. Emotions all over the place in one moment. It SO sucks. I tested J yesterday, at school. He's way above the norm. Only him and 2 others out of 24 were able to identify numbers over 20 and count to 100. See I always knew he'd read early - he's always sat with S and I when we did her homework - but we never did math and I just didn't see it coming this quick. Yeah, I'm happy and proud but I'm also very depressed. Why couldn't S have some of that? Just a little make J average and bring S up to average. I know, it's evil to think like that in a way. I mean I never asked why me when God chose to bless me with J or to give me a roof over my head, plenty of food to eat, enough money, a good husband.
It's just like when J was "reading" (you know when you read the story over and over and over again - they memorize it and then "read" it to you) when he was like 3 and seeing the joy on his face, feeling proud but also seeing S over J's shoulder and knowing that she never did that and that she may NEVER do that. *I* know the true meaning of bitter sweet. And somewhere though crying about all this last night I actually uttered the words - why couldn't I have 2 like J!!!!! I swear I must be doing the crack while I'm sleeping!!! It's just so crazy!
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