The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-----Robert Frost


I was introduced to this poem though song in High School. I loved it - still do - but looking back at it - it has a HUGE message for me right now. I HAVE taken the road less traveled. Even though it might not have been my choice. Little did I know then just how much this poem would resemble my life.

I am not the first traveler for sure. The first were those women whose plight was so misunderstood - they were judged, they were torn away from their children. I can't tell you how my heart goes out to them and the debt I feel to them.

Travel - keep on keepin' on. Perfect analogy for this life. Traveling, never feeling "at home". Seems like every thing that we find that "works" - does so only for a short time.

Today was a bad day again - according to school. I'm getting so frustrated. Some things are really going gangbusters - the conversation, the way she helps herself, but the behavior is just got me stymied.

She was Cinderella tonight at the Halloween (Fall Fest) Party at school. JES does the BEST job at school functions. I'm always amazed how many people show up to help, plan and what a great job they do. J was a Power Ranger. *He* was given the liberty to roam the school as he wanted. Dad had to run the golf game and I had S (who slows J down) :-) So I gave him some tickets and gave him the "lecture". (Under NO circumstances are you to leave this building EVER). :-) He didn't stray too far - needed more tickets. :-)

S and I spent a lot of time in the Cake Walk - her favorite and no, she didn't win. Strange - since she seems to win most everything of chance like that. They both had a ball. J won the paddle ball that he was trying so hard to win and S got several suckers that seem to make her very happy.

On the job front it's been a good week. I had all the quarterlies done last Friday and MIR left Wed for Cancun - his exact words were "if the place burns down, I'll read about it in the news". ;-) So with all my work pretty much done - (always monthly stuff to do)- I'll be having a couple of days of leisure. Even managed to run payroll Thurs - EVERYONE - in about 4 hours!!!

Tomorrow is TKD and a couple of parties. I haven't announced the parties yet - I heard enough tonight before the Halloween Fest - I sometimes wonder if blood is coming out of my ears. :-)

Somedays it's just too overwhelming

Have had a LOT of those days lately. First - I'm NOT going to get to go to the Yuen Seminar that I was so hopped up about. Birthday party - Halloween party and other commitments. :-/ Can I just say how ticked I am!

Had S's Project Choices Mapping. I'm not REAL sure it was that productive. I came out of it kind of depressed. I have to stop myself and the team sometimes and realize just what we have accomplished in a very short amount of time.

Progress on the Autism report - S can now joke back and forth:
"Good night, booger" <-Dad
"If you call me a booger again - I'm not going to school tomorrow." <-S
"Oh really, why not?"
"Cause boogers don't go to school."
I think this is HUGE. Look up anything on Autism - she isn't supposed to *get* that. I think between Daddy and Ms G she has been "taught" how to do this. :-)

J and I had an argument on Sunday about the TV. I said "I'm going to watch pre-game, J - you can go to my room and watch Spongebob"
He comes back out of my room saying it's not on in there and we go back and forth - finally I say "J - I'm not arguing anymore - I'm the Mommy and I'm going to watch pre-game - when you are the Daddy you can watch whatever you want"
"But I won't like it then" <-J Gotta love that boy.

As I walked the kids to school today - I stopped to talk to J and say goodbye and S went on with her friends. As I trailed behind I got a glimpse of how things might be when I'm gone. I liked what I saw. She was in the middle of 3 girls and was holding her own on conversation. I can feel how that weighs on me. I feel it right in my chest. I wonder if other Mom's worry SO much about dieing. Someone told me that God wouldn't do that. I don't know.

We were invited to Big J's birthday party and of course B doesn't want to go. Not real sure why. I've tried to convince him several times but I give up. Even cancelled my Yuen thing. (grrrrr) I figure it's his decision. There's only so much I can do in that setting.

I've got the urchins all on my own this weekend. Happy Birthday to me! :-/ Figure we'll clean up the yard this weekend - promises to be really nice. I'm kind of hoping this holds out through Thanksgiving. I'm really looking forward to a break from the rat race.

There's Always Room for Jello

Everyone got haircuts this weekend. J got his spiked - so now he needs "jello". "Do I look cool with Jello in my hair?" His command of the English language is hysterical.

He had a raging headache again on Saturday night. Not to mention a really weird rash on some of his body. He's just a weird little boy.

Some of you readers already know about my father's addiction to solitaire - for the rest of you I'll fill you in: My father has played solitaire every morning since ... well, for as long as I can remember. He keeps a deck right by his chair in the kitchen and even keeps score on a little notebook that he keeps with the cards. He has gone through many decks in my lifetime. The cards get all curved in from all the use. My point in telling you this??? Well, guess who is playing solitaire every morning? That's right the other J. Just like his name sake he sits at the table and plays hand after hand. My mother taught him how to play when he was staying with them this summer and now that's his thing. It's so cute.

The weather has turned cooler here and not everyone is very happy about it. S wanted to wear shorts this morning. Had to talk her down from her suicidal position. :-) J didn't seem phased by it. He just wears what ever I bring him. Typical man.

Everyone is excited about the approach of Halloween. They've been looking at everyone else's decorations.

No one *gets* it

I just walked the knee biters to school and on the way home I walked with a lady down the street. Her husband has a beautiful old car in his garage that he has restored and B has been down there several times. I've never spoke to her except the usual "good morning" "beautiful day, huh" "hot enough for you" what all good neighbors say.

She asked me about S this morning. She told me that her Johnny was in a home down state - beautiful place. He has CP. She told me about how he make .10 for every can he crushes and that he made about $4.00 one day. She said the people at work look at her weird when she tells them - but she *knew* I would understand.

Her Johnny is almost 40. She is one of the Mom's I owe a debt to. The ones who came before me and demanded things for their children when there was nothing. The Mom's who were REALLY alone!

I cried as I walked home. I'm not sure why. If it was greif for what her and I have lost or touched by a kindred spirit or happiness over celebration over another Mother's joy that the rest of the world will never *get*.

This life is so tough that sometimes emotions come out and you're stumped as to where that even came from. You push so much down and away to just deal with every day life that the bubbles rise to the top and explode sometimes.

Spiders

The boy read a book about spiders to me this morning. On one of the pages it said that some spiders eat other spiders. "Why do they do that? Are they spiders they don't know?"

Like if you eat a stranger that would be more understandable than eating say... a relative. :-) He's too funny. He's reading pretty well and he loves to do it.

S made her thank you cards today so I now need to send them out. She's doing better in school. Not near as many shout outs.

The *gang* is playing school here at night. I'm going to have to re-vamp the evening schedule so we can get some things done at night too. Even though mornings do seem to go well when we read and do some writing. I don't know......

"How do you know THAT song?"

J is constantly almost ticked off when I know songs. He came home with "All Night, All Day" yesterday and when I started to sing along I got the "How do you know that?" SO indignant. :-) I forget that I'm suppose to play the "dumb ol' Mom" who doesn't know anything, anyone or go anywhere. ;-) He loves to watch those shows where you have to fill in the rest of the song after you hear the beginning. Again, I get chastised if I know any. But yet he likes that I know all the words to "American Pie". Which we have sang at*least* 1200 times. :-)

Had S's team meeting Thurs. It went well. We're trying for writing again this year. Her reading is about at 1st grade level - which is right on target for where she was last year. She seems to be settling in to the routine - but I did pick something up from Mrs G that they were ALL on track now - meaning all the teachers were done with their rooms - I think S picked up on ALL that anxiety and that's what was causing the outbursts. I didn't voice my opinions - better to keep that between me and my guru Ron. :-)

So I found a class in Hinsdale at the end of Oct and I'll be signing up. I can't wait. Ron says there's also sessions on Monday nights and wanted to know if I wanted to go with her. Ummm - YEAH!!!!! The whole thing interests me SO much.

I've also decided that we'd TRY dairy free with S. That Dr's voice of my Mom's keeps sounding in my head over and over. "Yes, Mrs B - but you don't know what's going on in her *brain*." So Jenny M be damned!

Boy the house is one big piece of CLUTTER! Is there ANY paper in the world that isn't in this house???? That and clothing! Need to do power laundry today and tomorrow. I hate laudry. I've got to get my brain into a better dimension on that one.

Go back to your toilet, Jenny McCarthy!

Damn this chick annoys me!!! Her child is CURED! Bull shit! And it's so hard for her financially! OMG! She's not only someone who sells herself for money (her "beautiful" naked pictures) but now she sells her child. Ugghhh.

The thing is - if it works for her - fine - but it DOESN'T for all of us. #1 My child was autistic from birth. #2 My child is NEVER sick. Seriously - she RARELY even gets the flu and when she does it NEVER lasts more than a day. #3 This wench (McCarthy) makes autism so trivial. Talk about a bad rep. DAMN! #4 She has no other children and so her attention is NEVER divided! She doesn't have a clue!!!
But what's new - famous people telling the "real" world what we *should* be doing.

I'd like to personally invite her to live "real" life with an autistic person. No nanny, no Jim Carey (or his money) no private school, no entourage, no personal assistants, cooks, you name it. Lets see what she'd have to say THEN. She makes me want to barf!

Dr Yuen? Heck YES I'm in!!!

I went to the seminar about the Yuen method of Chinese Energetics! It was FANTASTIC! I am SO a believer! I actually felt the knot in my stomach when S was upset and I felt a huge core of strength and a warmth all through my body. It makes SO much sense!!!

And the wildest part is that my friend Ron (the meat and potato's person) is the one that introduced me to it! We just had a GREAT time!!!

It's been (another) Hard Days Week

Whew - it's been a loo loo!!!! The good thing - it's GOT to get better. :-)

REALLY looking forward to the Dr Yuen thing tomorrow. I'm hoping to restock my bag of tricks. :-) Ok, sue me for overusing that phrase lately. :-)

J got to "buy" snack today. You would have thought I gave him the world. Now his idea is to "buy" every "T" day (as in Tuesday and Thursday). I vetoed it with "how about every other Friday". I got the usual spaghetti leg whine about how horrible his world is.

Vision and Hearing again today. I will say it again and again and again. Teachers just DON'T make enough!!! I can't tell you how many tests I had to interrupt to get kids. It was chaotic for a while this morning. The small ones are cute, the older ones can be an endless source of information. :-)

It's been SO warm lately. But we've shut off the air and since it gets nice at night I've been leaving it off. Poor animals are passing out from heat during the day. :-)

Tae Kwon (how) Do I LOVE it!!!

Had our first lesson on Saturday. I LOVE it! It's everything J needs!!!! And he loves it too. He cried at first. They don't really explain at first and do the shouting and bowing thing and I think it freaked him out ----- BUT he didn't come running to me AND he sucked it up and continued. I was so proud of him.

Aunt J came in on Friday - we walked down to get S and J and S was beside herself with happiness. Skipping and beaming from ear to ear to see "Joel". Then we went out to eat and they all sang Happy Birthday to her and she just smiled all over herself.

B did his garage sale this weekend. It went very well. Before we left for school J wanted to sell his jacket...............that he had ON! Oh, this boy.

Saturday night we went to Chuckie's place. We had a really nice time, even though the service was horrible! S was VERY pleased.

So the weekend was a lot of fun.

Things are tough

Life has become very difficult lately. The same old thing - 1 step forward - 2 steps back. I feel SO much anxiety when we walk to school - what I'm going to hear from the teachers, S is really having a tough time lately. Home is the same way. More accidents, so much screaming, tantruming. She's getting so much harder as she gets older.

I'm just so angry. So tired. So frustrated. I feel like I'm just "out of it". It seems like my bag of tricks is empty.

On a happier note - we celebrate 10 years tomorrow. She's decided it's Chuck E Cheese this year. I hope that after all the hoopla is over - she can settle down and we can progress this year.

J, on the other hand seems to have found his niche. He's on a white card streak. Everyday, when I pick him up from daycare, he's all happy to announce how he got another white card. At home, we need to buckle down. He's getting away with too much. I'm drained from S and I'm not on top of my game. A critical mistake when dealing with J.

He Tried Lettuce

.... and since he wasn't sure if it was lettuce or celery ........ he put some in his POCKET so he could bring it home and show me!!!!!! Oh, J is a treasure!! :-)

We all sat and watched the parade on Sunday. We figured it was prob the LAST parade that we *could* all sit together. We had a REALLY nice time!

S had a really rough time in church on Sunday (it was FISH Sun) and you have SEEN the STARES!!! I wasn't sure if he was new or not but at one point I even mouthed "can I help you". It was HORRIBLE! He was in front of us and kept turning back so much that the lady in back of him turned too to see what he was looking at. Plus, it wasn't the sermon or anything - I don't know I was just ticked!!!

B&I taught our first class together. We only had two students. I was very surprised that they want to do memory work of bible verses!!! It was THEIR suggestion.

We did Market Day yesterday. Again, a good time. It would help SO much if I could speak Spanish. This has been brought to my attention by SEVERAL instances this last week. Now, to find a class that will fit my schedule and start with the BASICS!

God gives you a kiss in heaven

S started talking about heaven yesterday and as she described who all was there she then said "God gives you a kiss when you get to heaven." I thought that was so cute. Sometimes she's SO "with it".

We watched J's football game yesterday. That was nice. He does very well. He really seems to like it too. It's always so nice to see L&E. B and J went to do his Tiger scout thing with Public Works. I really think they both had a great time.

We had the conspiracy over this week. It's so strange and I really don't understand the "game". They did their "usual thing" and they always have a nice time together. Which I'm so happy to see. We did the White Fence Farm thing - that was really nice. We haven't been there for so long.

I'm really starting to worry about J. He's so out of control sometimes. So disrespectful. The rules really need to be tighter on that boy.

There are SO many in her corner

S has been doing so well in her big girl pants. You wouldn't believe the amount of support we've gotten with her lately. Everyone is so happy for her.

RL and I are going to try and go to a session on Dr Yuen. I'm really kind of excited about it.

I also opened my mouth today and now am helping with vision and hearing screening tomorrow. So much for taking it easy this week. :-p Where was my head????

S's disorder is very prominate this year. 4th grade is such a HUGE step and for her even more so.

I'm Invisable

I'm invisible.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response,
the way
one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and
ask to be
taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the
phone?"
Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or
sweeping
the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one
can see
me at all. I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this?
Can you
tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a
clock
to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What
number is
the Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the
eyes
that s tudied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude -
but now
they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.
She's
going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return
of a
friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous
trip, and
she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting
there,
looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard
not to
compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style
dress;
it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair
was
pulled up in a hair clip and I was afraid I could actually smell
peanut
butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me
with a
beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this." It was a
book
on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd
given it
to me until I read her insc r iption: "To Charlotte , with admiration
for the
greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would
discover
what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I
could
pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we
have no
record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a
work they
would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no
credit.
The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes
of God
saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the
cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a
tiny bird
on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are
you
spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be
covered by
the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because
Gods ees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was
almost
as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the
sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No
act of
kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've
baked, is
too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great
cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a
disease
that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own
self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I
keep
the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of
the
people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to
work on
something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book
went so
far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime
becau s ethere are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend
he's
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in
the
morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey
for three
hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd
built a
shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home.
And
then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're
gonna
love it there."

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if
we're
doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will
marvel,
not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added
to the
world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, MOM

"I barely got sick once..."

I got the whole "you don't go to school if you're sick" reasoning tonight at bedtime. J is WONDERFUL at stalling and will usually bring up quite a rousing idea right at bedtime. Tonight was "I don't want to go to school tomorrow" (After I said, Good night my first grader). So after I said - yes, you'll go to school tomorrow - he came up with the "not if I'm sick" routine.

"Oh, yeah, not if you're sick. But if you're sick you don't get to play either - even after school is over."

"What if I'm feeling better?"

"Nope, if you're too sick to go to school, you're too sick to play - even at night"

"But I'd get to do stuff at home - like watch tv"

"Well, no, not really because you'd have to stay in bed and there's no tv in your room. You could listen to the radio."

"Oh, well, I barely got sick ..... once. I don't get sick"

"No, you don't get sick..... Goodnight, J."

"Good night Mom"

You can just hear the wheels turning in there - trying to figure out another topic that will maybe put him in control again.

The wild thing about children is that all in one evening they can have you in stitches laughing, screaming your lungs out AND hugging the stuffing out of them. Esp. that boy. He is a wild roller coaster ride for a parent.

She's Done WELL!!!

VERY well. S has been in big girl undies all week. We went to pick up J today (4 hours round trip) and we had NO accidents!!! When we got home she and J went to play with T and when she came RUNNING in she had just a little in her pants but went a TON more on the toilet. Sorry, I know this is graphic but after 9 years of changing her diapers this is a HUGE success.

J was glad to be home. He said to T "Didn't you miss me,boy?" He was down there all afternoon. They (T&V) came over for dinner tonight and then we took them and ours to meet up with L&E (&Co) to watch fireworks. (Parky's last blast) And finally ice-cream for the ride home. So I think J's re-entry was a good one. :-)

I'm so hoping that we've seen the end of pull-ups. I don't mind doing it at night. We'll tackle that one later. But as of right now I think she's good to go for undies at school. They may have to *nudge* her strongly to go but I think it can be done!

10 Reasons to give thanks for you child with special needs.

Thanks again to my fun little friend, Nancy for sharing stuff she finds:

1. You never have to worry about worrying over nothing.
Let other parents obsess over the frivolous and the shallow. Your child will make sure you always have something worth to worry about.

2. Developmental delays = more years of hugs, kisses and little-kid sweetness.
My 13 year old still wants to sit on my lap, give me hugs, and tell me he loves me. What Mom of a sullen teen doesn't secretly wish for the same?

3. Maybe someday, Ty Pennington will come build you a house.
He, Extreme Makeover; Home Edition loves families of children with special needs. Your little one may be your ticket to a lavish living space.

4. Any little milestone is a cause to throw a party.
Your child works hard for every step, sit up and syllable, giving you lots to be excited about. (Boy don't I know it - ever heard of a poop party???)

5. Every day is a learning experience.
Somedays it's a pop quiz, somedays it's a crash course, but life with your child is always an education, for sure.

6. You have the privilege of putting severl doctors' children through college.
After paying for all those appointments, you may feel like a one-family scholarship foundation. Put your child's name on some letterhead and take pride.(ok, I almost spit on myself. If this isn't the truth!! I just may do this.)

7. You meeet a better class of parent in waiting rooms and support groups.
Your child frees you from having to hang out with those snotty parents on the playground, and gives you entry into an exclusive club of people who are sensitive, sarcastic, and sure of their priorities. (and all waiting rooms turn into support groups)

8. You have an iron-clad escape excuse for any occasion.
You'd love to stay at that boring party, crowded event, endless church service, but you know, your child just can't tolerate it. (And sometimes it's you who can't tolerate it --- who's to know?)

9. Coming up with new strategies every day keeps your brain sharp.
They say doing crossword puzzles helps ward off Alzheimer's. Figuring out your child's schedules and treatments and lessons and rights and restrictions must easily provide twice the protection. (I figure I'm home free on the "you've suffered enough" scale)

10. Your blessing will always be fully counted.
Other parents may take the gifts that their children bring for granted. Not you. Not EVER. (Sing it sistah! You sure got that right!!!)

My "CRAPPY" Week

We started on Monday with an enema. Today we did a suppository. All the while I fill her full of laxative and Metamucil type stuff. S did VERY good yesterday. Today - not so well. We've had about 3 poopy pants and one was WAY bad. She's still trying to hold it. I can see what the Dr meant when he said it would probably take around 3 months or so. But I tell you - I was really hoping yesterday was the start of something GREAT! Oh well, one step forward - 2 back - what else is new.

So my day is spent following herself around and being on poop watch. She really does seem to thrive on the attention. Between her talking CONSTANTLY and the endless drivel of kid's cartoons - I'm just about ready for the rubber room.

S slept in J's room last night. She put her Spongebob in her bed and started the tape and then went to J's room. She's so funny.

J is having a good time. We talked to him on the phone today. He went with Mom and Lois yesterday to get her treatment. I guess he did VERY well. Not sure what was on their agenda today.

Tilt A -- a a a arrrrggghhhhh!!!!!

J had a BLAST on all the rides - S was a little more "reserved". They got to ride about an hour before the rain came in. That stunk. We got something to eat and watched it rain for a while before calling it a day.

T&V came over. That made J happy. They played computer and "school".

I took J down 1/2 way on Sunday. Ran in to TORRENTIAL rain! Lord, it was bad. J read to me on the way and we sang. It always amazes him "how do you know that song?" He just refuses to believe that his Mom was once pretty hip. :-)

So it was S and I on Sunday night. B had to work the fest. We played Mancala and while we were playing B called and invited us to an ice-cream and a lemon-aid shake up. So at 9:00 we ventured out in the rain and had a sweet snack. :-)

S seems to really like the one on one attention. It's so nice to be able to have one of them go and concentrate on the other.